Relationships are challenging. Obvious observation. Much of what I read, as I research opinion and position online, indicates that more women, especially women of color, are vocally refusing to participate in cis heterosexually normative relationships altogether. I don’t blame them one bit.

When a couple decides to “work on it” they are considering recommitting themselves to one another or perhaps reimagining into what roles they will evolve. Still, contemporary women, feminist or not, may have decided it’s been the last straw, nerve and time they will subject themselves to someone else’s control and idiocy. With so many people choosing to embrace their sexuality in the many forms it can be expressed, fewer cannot imagine giving up the independence and choice they have earned being un-partnered.

Then you ask if this is selfish, to consider oneself over the social desire for people to couple up and possibly procreate or adopt. No. Placing oneself in a position far from unnecessary struggle is great. It’s healing. Obstacles, however, teach us lessons, and we know this to be true, but they also cause damage, some of which is irreparable. The scars of a terrible relationship lay deep, unless you are suited for self-care. Some of us are not. Self care is a luxury that some of us feel we cannot afford.

I’m not sure which is the correct position to take: work hard and long at a relationship you’ve invested time in or leave it alone and go solo. I think there are some partnerships that have transformed into something that happily satisfies both parties. Maybe distance, living separately, having independent hobbies can keep zest alive for when the difficult times arrive. Maybe it’s having extra-marital affairs, known or unknown. Maybe it’s redefining what love is so that the expression of it is not akin to anything society has created or affirmed.

This life is hard enough. Bringing people into your life that can alter it in a negative way is one of the worst decisions and experiences. Family, friends, lovers…they all bring different causes into your life. The effect can impact you on varying levels and touch the future in ways you hadn’t imagined. Domestic violence or domestic tranquility…our karma provides the means to make a choice, a very difficult choice.