Often people ask why we didn’t tell them something we saw in their partners that was going to lead to the demise of the relationship. But we all know that even if we tell our friend or family member that their partner is sincerely whack they want to experience it for themselves. Experiencing the lower nature of the person you’re with is eye-opening.

A person has to realize how the negative aspects of their partner actually affect them. There might be a lot more that they can put up with or navigate that outsiders wouldn’t or simply don’t prefer. So much of our silent, invisible selves come out when we are alone with our loved one. That’s why stories of abuse are confusing because there are many sides of a person that are seen and ingested and categorized. Unfortunately, the truth is that that person probably isn’t the best for you and that your relationship is another karmic reflection in the mirror.

When Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus first broke up I wasn’t surprised. Being older than them, I assumed there was a lot of “young love” stuff going on there. Passion, lust and money but no real foundational aspects. And then Miley went on a journey of cultural appropriation and musical spasm. Yes, you can listen to the music and it’s fun. “Wrecking ball” does that. Her music award performances and ever-changing appearance didn’t seem like it was a part of her own evolution, but a scraping and searching for relevance and identity. This could be described as anyone’s messy period when a queer person is navigating the world and personal growth.

Liam was an Australian thespian export that had made some decent films. There didn’t seem to be a symbiosis between the two. Similar professional experiences, same age, wealth bracket, beauty. But, this was still not a recipe, a delicious stew eaten on the second day, that would taste delicious upon return. Miley began growing her hair out and working on another album which was completely different than what she was giving before. Liam continued to act. Then, they announce they were back together.

When I saw this I realized that it wouldn’t last. Is that really cynicism? I thought they loved each other. I definitely know they lust. The nagging thought I was left with was whether or not they felt they needed to not only be together but to go through with the entirety of an engagement, a wedding, and a marriage. Marriage is difficult for anyone at any age in particular people in their 20s. 10 years changes people, especially in the first 30. Those changes can feel monumental.

Then there is the idea that people get married because that’s what you’re supposed to do at a certain point in the relationship. If you’re in a profession or a culture that elevates people because they have legally wed then there is pressure to fulfill others desires and the social contract.

I never said I wanted a ‘happy’ life but an interesting one. From separation and loss, I have learned a lot. I have become strong and resilient, as is the case of almost every human being exposed to life and to the world. We don’t even know how strong we are until we are forced to bring that hidden strength forward.Isabel Allende

I like this quote because there are many reasons people are living their lives. Some accept that there are certain ages they need to achieve something. Or that there are simply certain things they must achieve or experience. “The Bucket List” has definitely inspired people into an achievement panic.

Much like Miley, it is difficult to figure me out. I don’t know if I can’t characterize her because of the celebrity filter or because she truly is a chameleon. The shades she wears seem not to have a consistency. They seem to change with the person or situation. So her range isn’t a range of style and presentation, but a drag moment where we don’t truly know who the queen is beneath. This is true for anyone we don’t know. Truer still is how nondescript Liam is and that he is just as much an enigma. I always wonder how cis-straight white men deal with a self-identified queer femme.

There are so many layers to a relationship; on-again, off-again or straight through like a roller coaster. This just makes me reflect on our motivations and how outside influence damages us from the inside. The other thought is that, we don’t need to live with a flippant “YOLO” attitude but know that if this is the life you have and you don’t know when it ends, be brave in making the tough decisions, not frail like gauze covering a sore.