“yeah he’s pretty my type, but I’d have to see him from the shoulders down.”

Poker player: “you got sticky fingers”

Klaus: “and crazy IBS…”

“Couldn’t you pick a better time to self actualize?!“

“Have we met?

“Don’t touch me…”

”Don’t go chasing waterfalls please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.”

“Maybe Shakespeare has no idea what it was like to be me.”

“Destiny’s children, lets all commune with music.”

“Cult is a very negative word Allison. We prefer to call it an alternative spiritual community.”

“Allison, your marriage is in trouble and your rally turned into a riot. If now’s not the time to do some drink party, I don’t know when is.”

“My claustrophobic cult tracked me down, I fell off the wagon, and I professed my undying love for… this young gay man who doesn’t know he’s gay yet at a 1963 diner in front of his blatantly closeted uncle. yeah, well, not in that order…”

“Oh, my god, again? All of you knew? Why am I always the last to find out about…oh my god, my cult is gonna be so pissed. Five, I told them we had until 2019.”

“Technically? If you have to use the word technically, you’re already in trouble.”

“No, no because that’s like, that’s like asking a nun how to hump someone’s leg. I mean who in this room knows shit about relationships? This one? In secret love with some farm Frau…Which is an improvement on her previous lover, the serial killer. Meanwhile I’m carrying a torch for a soldier I haven’t technically met yet, and Luther is in love with her sister. Face it the healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that manikin. The only thing the Umbrella Academy knows about love is how to screw it up.”

“It was like sex with one of the lesser Baldwin’s.”

“Who are we trying to save Vanya from again?”

“We actually succeed at something, that’s incredible!! I don’t know about you guys but I need a drink.”